Mind Games

It never ceases to amaze me the difference of perspectives I have when I'm feeling high from when I'm feeling low. The simplest things can make me soar, so high and so fast that I feel weightless when I realize I'm there. When I'm up, I'm invincible. I've been known to be one whom excellent opportunities find, and cuddle into my lap. Though, when I'm down, I'm invisible. Ghosts don't get great opportunities handed to them because no one knows they're there. This is what happens when I disappear. Nothing. Nothing happens.

Surprise bouquets of flowers from my lover flutter my wings. An instance which picks me up enough when I'm losing myself to remember, to keep going and keep believing. An unexpected offer of a promotion during a job interview sweeps me clear off my feet. The mind is truly transformational in these instances. The body experiences physical manifestations from pure, emotional highs. To illustrate this point, my 5" suede, ankle-boot heels aggravated my bones on my way there, nervous and unsure, but on the way home they felt like cozy slippers with gel inserts, cushioning my leaps of joy.

It is important to take note when one experiences these shifts of inner being. I feel the need to create something physical to serve as a souvenir of this conscious challenge which I overcame and surpassed. This is a written and remembered trophy of my mental status, my joy, my invincibility, to use when I'll fear I'll disappear.

I want to write a book one day.

I keep a book of notes and stories and insights for detailed accounts later on, down the road.

Revival & Survival

"CLEAR!" (Jolt!) Ba-dup, Ba-dup, Ba-dup . . .

I realized where I exist in the grand scheme of advertising . . . I'm right where I belong.

I surround myself with good people. Yes, some are more genuine than others, but everyone will only see the true me. I build no facade. I am my own brand and I am who I am. I own it. I am good to the people who are good to me and even to those who aren't. My weaknesses are strengths, unless I let them tear me down and rip me apart. It's happened. It's not pretty. I'm learning.

Lately, I live in my moment. Since I breathed this realization into my psyche, I am at the top of my world. I do say "my" for a reason. I don't know what "the" moment is, so why would I want to be on top of that. It seems unstable. And let's be honest, I'd freeze in misery on the top of "the" world.

I am evolving, and I feel that I've come to a point where I am centered. I laid my foundation. I took my time too. A year and a half, laying each cinderblock with painstaking precision finally finds its fruition as I have something solid and strong to stand on. Instead of walking cautiously, I dance, trusting I will land safely each time my feet depart my floor.

I'd rather skip than walk. I'd rather leap than jump. I'd rather twirl than turn. I do. I skip. I leap. And I twirl.

Walking is methodical. Putting one foot in front of the other promises you'll be one step closer to where you want to be. It's safe. When I skip, I take risks. I allow myself a moment of freedom from all else. And I land. I'm safe, but I know I can fly for a few heartbeats.

Jumping is static. Two feet up and two feet down. Or one, but the same one. Jumping exerts a lot of energy but it wont get you very far. It's sure. When I leap, I believe in myself. I trust I will excel. I experience possibility and reach for greatness. I touch it just enough to crave it. I find my footing again but with a heightened sense of ability.

Turning is forced. Thoughts calculate to rotate. It's restricted. When I twirl, I let go. I embrace the world around me, absorbing it's beauty, wonder and endless opportunity. I understand that beauty is wonder. It is opportunity. I learn that wonder is beautiful and opportune. Endless opportunities promote the discovery of beauty and wonder better than anything else. I embrace the dizzy lapse of balance because I'm reminded to reevaluate my center.

During my week in New York, I skipped, I leapt and I twirled. And even threw a little Guns 'N' Roses. My world is full of beauty, wonder and opportunity. I survived. I am revitalized.

I think an interesting song lyric could come from these things I've said recently:

"I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face. I can't hide what I'm feeling."

"My phone should only be able to dial a cab or 911 after midnight. Is there an app for that?"

I appreciate my own baggage.

I'm intrigued by my own adventures in love, or at least the attempt toward something like it. I am at peace with the notion that I will probably be at least 30 by the time I find someone I will spend time with the rest of my life. I'm extremely difficult, whether it's because I'm too open to share myself, whether it's my intensity of emotion, or whether it any one of the items in my big, bulging, rolling suitcase of baggage. I appreciate my own baggage. I carry it proudly. I earned it, in a way. I carry pain, fear and insecurity, but I've learned from every ounce. I am more complicated because of it. But it makes me who I am and I appreciate that. 

I know I need someone with at least as much history as me. Sure we'll pay the extra fee and get the "heavy" tag strapped on by a tiny elastic band, but that is what I seek. I seek someone who has learned as much about himself as I have and am learning about myself. Every piece builds me up. The man who is meant for me will want to discover what holds me up. Hopefully it will take years to completely uncover each other, understanding a little more every day, continuing the mystery.

I embrace opportunity with wide open arms and a vulnerable heart. My openness is seen as something strange and scary or relieving and encouraging. It takes an open person to accept an open person. I walk straight in, with my arms, heart and mind wide open. I have no walls that need breaking down. So far, my absence of walls causes me to break down afterward because the men in my life try to build one around me. This is when I break down. Once someone builds a wall for me, it pains me to take it down. Piece by piece. With each block I tear back down, I analyze, every conversation, every glance and every stance I ever had. I'll will wish I had done something different, but it usually comes back to not having a wall. Despite that, I still refuse. I didn't do it different for some sort of reason.

I am not fearless. I have fear, I have a tremendous amount of fear, but I know when my fear gets in my way, I will not fly anywhere I want to be. And I want to go to and be in great places that will make me proud to look back and remember my path.

When I live one day at a time, the unknown isn't as overwhelming.

Paradox in Play

A personal lesson from the hedonistic paradox:

I sought someone who would be "good for me" in my life. In allowing whom I believed would be good for me deeper into my life, I realized the paradox in failure of attempt. The person I should have let deeper into my life is always good to me, takes care of me without question, comforts me when I'm down and I suppose he stands with his sword unwavering as well. I pursued and got used, all the while the one who would have actually been "good for me" kept caring for me. As open as I am, I don't think I press myself to my sword hard enough.

Instead of pressing myself into my own enough and putting my emotions at risk of rejection, I stay where I am and observe. I will never find the person to stand into their sword with me if neither of us are willing to push, chancing potential pain. I seem to seek the ones who will hurt me, not the ones who will shield me. I will know I've found the right person for me when we have shields around each other and still expose ourselves.

Beauty can't be taken.

Beauty cannot be taken; unfortunately, beauty can be used.

A mutually altruistic feeling in a relationship apparently is far and few, at least in my experience. One of my teachers posted this the other day: "You are only a priority to yourself." He's generally a little cynical or pessimistic, but it appears that he's right on point.

I believe with all of my heart that closing it off will not get me anywhere I want to be. It may protect me from being used by a boy who thinks I'm pretty, but has no intention of anything besides trying to take a piece of that "beauty". I think so much of my beauty comes from my unrelenting attempts to stay open and accepting. It hurts when accepting someone openly winds up feeling so false on the other end. I've had one, only one, relationship where I felt completely respected and appreciated for being who I am, regardless of the package I come in. Only one.

Our time together was very short but it was full. We talked for hours about everything. It was a totally altruistic relationship. I really appreciated him for who he was, though he was a man who was still torn up by his past. The difference here, with him versus every other guy I've dated, is that he respected me. He respected me enough to be up front, honest and timely in feeling and sharing his feelings with me. He stood up to his sword, vulnerable to me. My upset only existed in the lost ability to know him more. I believe his words and his decision for not seeing me (that way) anymore. I completely understand him, support him and wish him all the luck. I know he deserves whatever he wants. He stands vulnerable and I shielded him instead of attacked.

Though short and probably not as eye-opening to him as it was for me (since he went back to try for his ex), it represents a pivotal experience I will never forget. I told him that he reset my standards for the man I want to be with. What I should have said was that he was my standards, realized . . . standards realized for the first time. I am forever grateful for the respect he showed me, proving the existence of a man with equal openness, who also presented all of the qualities I search for. He let me be a hopeful romantic, instead of a hopeless one.

I will keep standing, baring my soul, hiding behind nothing, in hopes of finding another person who will stand right there with me, baring his soul and hiding behind nothing as well. In the name of love, I am the Nightingale. I bleed for hope in happiness and love.

(Read Oscar Wilde's short story, "The Nightingale and the Rose" if that reference leaves you confused.)

Betrayal

(this post references the "Double Edged Sword" post below)

Betrayal is your edge of your own sword being slashed into you by someone not yourself, leaving you surprised and deeply wounded.

I do not prepare for betrayal. I refuse to live my life wincing from potential pain. I hold my sword still and I press myself to it without a shield or armour. (I like the English spelling better.) A shield represents a shell to hide behind. Armour symbolizes an immobilizing fear. I do not want to live in fear of pain. As horribly violated as I've been, I still choose to hide behind nothing.

My scars vary in depth but I have many. I present my heart as openly during times of war as I do in peace. Vulnerability in this type of raw position makes average attackers stop to think. Reevaluating whether or not a person who holds their sword with such openness, kindness, honesty and faith often lessens an assault own sword. I hope to provide clarity and reflection with my unwavering blades.

Unprovoked acts of hate can never be justified when my sword stands still. The one who still permits himself an envious push to my honest blade, an emotional attack on my open heart, a physical rape of my beautiful body, will never feel the freedom I feel.

Double Edged Sword

Whoever said beauty is a curse . . . touché.

Beauty is a double edged sword. It is a curse and a blessing. One edge can cut you while the other edge can cut everyone you come across. Bloodshed depends on the choice to let it cut or not. We each have our own swords.

Beauty is created and esteemed by society. All art is subjective to opinion, and a human "masterpiece" does not escape this subjection. Society, as a whole, decides what is beautiful. Sadly, mass media manipulates the subjective opinion with objectivity, when in honest, essential truth, beauty is not objective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I've experienced blood on both blades of my sword.

The blade closest to me represents my vulnerability. This edge represents how I see the world and how I see myself without the reflection of a mirror. I choose to keep my edge sharp because I choose to see the world with maximum clarity and precision. As I open up, I lacerate myself and expose my truth. I push myself into my sword to maximize my experience of life.

The blade blunt to me, is sharpened toward my world. This blade represents my masterpiece. Confidence and kindness, openness and awareness form this blade outward, but hold it still. Perceived "beauty" adds sharpness to the edge; however, whether or not this blade severs any skin depends on the temper of the perceiver. Any blood on the external blade represents an attack of envy, inaccuracies and miscommunication. I hold my sword still.

Swords can be swung.

I choose to keep my sword steady. I do not wish any harm on anyone. Ever. I do not get mad. I do not get even. Instead, I push myself harder into my own sword to learn, despite the pain. Heartaches, heartbreaks, distress and betrayal, I look for the strength in myself. I feel agony and I feel awe, but I will never lash out.

I don't mind minding my mind.

Live and Be Fearless

"Youth" (A bit of a rant, a bit of reality)

Ad agencies are all over the "youth" because we're in the social networks, the digital age and the interactivity of world, and more specifically advertising. 

It's in our books. It's in our minds. It is all one thing. It is so silly for students to have a separate section for "digital" work. It's integrated into our campaigns, so why would we separate those from the whole concept.

Awesome agencies should not be and hopefully do not want a book or website separated between traditional and digital. (And for the record, I don't think that Print is dead, but I strongly believe that it has to get a lot more special and elite.

Social networks follow a similar story. I connect with people instantly. E-mail is almost as outdated for me as the USPS. Immediacy is valuable.

It is a way to truly stay connected with so many more people. It makes our world entirely smaller than before. I can see and talk to almost anyone I've met and cared to keep in touch with around the world. It's a part of my life as much as a rolodex was a part of yours--if you have and even know what it is. I've never owned a physical rolodex.

A Paradox of reality

If asking oneself "Am I dreaming?" in a dream proves that one is, what does it prove in waking life? (Quoted from Hutton)

We live in two realities, more if we are lucky. (Or on drugs, which personally I don't think is lucky, but that the experience may be.) Society allows for one reality yet people live and dream in two. I wake up and wonder why the waking world is more important than the dreaming one. Physical and monetary reasons aside, if I had to chose one, I'd chose dream. I don't mean to sound anti-social, and I suppose the dream world could not exist with out the experiences of the waking world and vice versa, but again, if forced to chose one, I'd pick dreamland. I fly. I am giant. I am tiny. I'm in love. I have fun. I can surf. I can ski. I can fall, yet I feel no pain. But I can wake up screaming. Now here's another point. Waking up from a nightmare, essentially rescues you from the perils of the dream. If I couldn't wake up, if my "waking world" didn't exist, would the perils continue and feel as though they feel in the waking world?? Because then I'd have to rethink my decision. A big deciding factor for the dream choice was the escape of physical and interpersonal pain and suffering. I suppose this supports the basis for Hutton's paradox.

Paradox of Hedonism

Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. (Quoted from Victor Frankl)

Hedonism is an illusion. Hedonism is an allusion. It alludes one to an illusion. Pursuing happiness will only make a person pessimistic. Pessimism detracts from present happiness.

If I were a BIG IDEA... & venting and rambling.

I pursue advertising through art direction and design with so much love and passion. It is the job I knew I would always have since I was 13 years old. However, the concept of "making it big" didn't yet apply to anything I thought.

My talent and passion for dancing and choreography equalled those for advertising. I have a stronger sense of confidence on stage with myself and my choreography and moves. A performance of a piece that communicates flows. I translate this feeling of expression to my art direction. My page becomes a stage. When I design, I feel like I am a bit freer, like I'm dancing.

Dance is advertising in 3D. Well, it could be. It should be. Dance is an untapped advertising media that I am going to use to create the bridge that can connect my disconnected loves of my life. They're both so similarly connected through the arts and emotions, performing to an audience to make them feel something.

A "BIG IDEA" opens a fresh perspective. Some will love, some will hate, but dance is a old-new way and venue for people to connect emotionally and more personally to people. I'll take the slivers in my feet to bring this idea to life.

As valuable and intriguing digital media is, the minute we stop speaking to and seeing people, our businesses will be shipped to places in India and China where they can write and produce our "digital" world because we will be so lost from our "original world".

I'm still QR Coding on a lot of ads, using e-paper, OLED paint on walls, inventing apps and widgets, but I can see down the road the raw fine beauty in what will be left of the human-made, tangible world. I wont slip out of the "know" of what's happening on the digital scene. But I'll also rise from the cluttered and competitive screen media with ideas and executions that reach people more humanly.

I will maintain a very niche market of personality, art and emotion and tangible advertising. Person to person advertising is not as mass of a market as the screen, but I think that's where the uniqueness and beauty revives itself and becomes cherished.

When the world is fully digitized, there probably wont have been any human contact with any of our products. I think there will be a resurgence of human-made, tangible, craft and that it will bear so much capture to the gems of the pieces that innovate in a different direction.

When I unite my two passions, they will flow like high and low pressure zones coming together and forming a tornado. One powerful force created despite its danger in uncertainty.

My favorite quote. About success. By Emerson.

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; this is to have succeeded.

Pace

I don't believe pacing yourself will prevent burnout. I think pacing is a quick way to become uninspired and therefore depressed. Remembering to surround myself with a constantly changing river of creativity not only helps me to avoid burnout, but helps me to push myself. I hope I never pace.

Sense

Thrown pennies become wishes in wells but only amount to two cents when representing something of truth or substance. Ironic.

Relationships Explained Through Punctuation

All relationships feel complicated at one point or another. And if it doesn't, I personally believe that that just makes thing complicated. So there, all relationships feel complicated at one point or another. Period. I use punctuation for my relationships to determine their finality, their unknown and such as follows.

Period. A period goes at the end of a relationship that is done. Over. Complete. Will never return to. Should never return to, because if you did, it would just end in a bigger, more dramatic period. Don't go back to it. Period.

Comma. Commas belong at the end of a relationship where you didn't break up, are on perfectly fine terms, but circumstances separates you from your partner and you don't know if it's worth the full semicolon yet or not. Commas are unbalanced and leave partners hanging.

Semicolon. Semicolons are a happy conjunction of two pieces of a relationship that was on hold for a while; however, never on bad terms.

Colon. A colon is a cheated continuation of a period. It is going nowhere because one side wants and needs it more than the other side. At least one side cannot stand independently of itself and requires the support of the other, which does not a healthy relationship make. It's like cheating death by adding another dot. Not fair and it won't end well. You cheated and cheaters don't win.

Question-mark. This one is mainly reserved for first time daters because a first relationship is magical, it is filled with hope, answers and many questions without answers, leaving one or both parties inquisitive, yet unable to answer either partner's question, small or large, short term or long term, menial or philosophical. This relationship is best left unanswered by each other. Move on to find answers. While curiosity inspires growth, it also killed the cat.

Ellipses. Ellipses are for the Romeo & Juliet type, similar to the comma, but not quite as hopeful. This one has three kisses of relationship death, not just one. The "maybe someday" line is the biggest load of nothing. The indefinite nature of this piece of punctuation suggests hope; however, this hope is more often than not, one-sided. It's a, "He's Just Not That Into You" moment and he drew 3 balls because he couldn't use his own two balls (if this is a guy putting the ellipses into the relationship) to draw only one, and end it.

This may all sound very cynical. Maybe it is? But instead, I believe that a relationship that works like everyone dreams and hopes (and they do exist, my parents are proof) doesn't require the punctuation I've described because the ride never stops, it may slow, hang by a comma now and then, but the one we all dream for ends in !

25 + 25

1. I love driving in reverse.

2. If I could sleep in a cloud, I would be so happy.

3. I love keeping in contact with people. Especially the best ones :)

4. I randomly know that 51 is divisible by 3. (Probably cause I hated on it before I realized it wasn't prime.)

5. Grammatical ignorance drives me crazy, especially in the case of homophones.

6. I don't put apostrophes in text messages though.

7. I use a LOT of emoticons. Text doesn't show emotion, therefore I include the visual as well.

8. My favorite perfume right now (at least on me) is Stella. It makes me smell like a rose.

9. I don't always think roses smell good. A lot of times they smell like the sweet stink of rotting organic material. I don't like the smell of rotting organic material.

10. My parents bought me a bag of potatoes and put them in my pantry and I didn't notice until I searched for what was causing the horrifying stench. They had liquified.

11. I can't stand the smell of cooking chicken.

12. I recently realized I love tofu. At least in the Pad Thai Doc Chey's.

13. My exes aren't from Texas. Though 3 of my 4 major relationships went long distance.

14. My first screen name was Oct1st84 but I changed it because my friends said it was hard to write, switching between the numbers and letters like that. Plus, my mom thought it would attract predators.

15. If you turn on my TV, you'd probably be watching USA, Bravo, TLC or TNT.

16. My favorite movies growing up were Cinderella, Anne of Green Gables, 10 Things I hate about you, Erin Brockovich, How to Lose a guy in 10 days and after that, I haven't watched any one movie on repeat like I did to those 5.

17. I watched "Life is Beautiful" last night. Such an amazing story. "Princepessa!" So romantic, and on so many levels.

18. I have 8 houseplants in my apartment.

19. It usually takes me at least 2 hours of lying in bed and trying to think of nothing, to be able to sleep.

20. I love Wisconsin summers but hate Wisconsin winters. (Though I do like the snow).

21. I dock a boat like a pro. (A speed/sport boat at least.)

22. I tried to be cool and ski right up to the pier (attempting to glide up to and then sit on it); however, completely smashed into it and gashed my hip and leg up really bad. I was probably 10.

23. The worst I've ever hurt myself was barefooting. I can't really barefoot. I bruised 3 ribs.

24. I've sprained both ankles more times than I can remember. Mostly landing wrong, dancing.

25. I think that I think that (repeated on purpose) I know Spanish better than I still do. It's really fading.

25 Things

1. I am endlessly entertained by disco balls (not the reflected spots of light, the actual ball)
2. If I didn't have my career aspirations, I'd be an NFL Cheerleader (they're actually dancers though).
3. Speaking of dance, I love it! We won 2nd in state in High School for Varsity Dance Team.
4. I've been to 26 different countries and I can't wait to explore more. (Italy is magical.)
5. I put a pin in a map for every place I have visited and lived. And they're all color coded.
6. Apparently, I listen to "stripper music." Haha.
7. I'd rather be: hot than cold, sweating than shivering, die of heat stroke than frostbite.
8. On the Meyer's Briggs type test, I'm ENFP (Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving)
9. I have 32 post-it notes on my wall near my computer desk. And they're in a grid.
10. I hate it when I'm late for anything. I put an extreme amount of guilt on myself for that.
11. I might as well be a sponsored by, or be a spokesmodel for Mountain Dew.
12. I WILL be a creative director someday.
13. The thought of being a housewife really frightens me.
14. Cadmium Yellow is my overall favorite color. Crimson, when I'm feeling emotional.
15. There are tattoos saying, "VERITAS AQUITAS" in my favorite movie.
16. I had a six-pack when I was 16. And ate more than most of the boys in my classes.
17. Prime numbers make me really uncomfortable. You will never find my volume on one.
18. If I like you, I won't wait for you to ask me out. I do love being romanced though.
19. I want a yacht with sails, and I want to wear navy blue, white and gold while I'm on it.
20. My parents paid me to get a B in 8th grade because they thought I was too neurotic.
21. I'm still neurotic, but I've got more perspective now. I'm learning to be a precisionist, rather than a perfectionist.
22. I usually wait for someone else to do the math for me. I can do it, I'd just rather not.
23. I had a belly button ring because I "wanted to be bad" when I was 16. My mom took me. I took it out at 23. 
24. I'm learning to find beauty and truth in the darkest, most painful places.
25. I am really moved by the lyrics in Jason Mraz's songs. They all make you think and they each paint an amazingly deep picture.

What's inside of a disco ball?

A disco ball shines in the spotlight and reflects glimmers of happiness and hope onto dance floors everywhere. But what is on the inside? Or in the inside? Is it empty? Barren? Void of internal satisfaction? How sad. Instead, I choose to believe that inside every disco ball is joy, happiness, love or some physical representation of it, or a spark of life from every one of its dance party extravaganzas. Disco balls entertain, yes. Amuse, check. Bring awkward strangers together to slow dance to Marvin Berry and the Starlighters', "Earth Angel," mmm, maybe . . . maybe a good knock-out punch too, now and then.

Something Interesting.

Identifying my Identity

If I were a color, I'd be both cadmium yellow and crimson.

If I were a typeface, I'd be Baskerville regular.

If I were a scent, I'd be gasoline.

If I were a food, I wouldn't have to cook it.

If I were a metal, I'd be yellow gold.

If I were a rock, I'd be transparent rose quartz.

If I were a drink, I'd be Mountain Dew.

If I were a drug, I'd be caffeine.

If I were a shape, I'd be a circle (if 2D) sphere (if 3D).

If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a Rambo style headband.

If I were a season, I'd be summer.

If I were a ball, I'd be a disco ball.

If I were an age forever, I'd be 30. 

If I were an instrument, I'd be a baby grand piano.

If I were a car, I'd be a 911 Porsche Cabriolet or a Jeep Wrangler.

If I were a sport, I'd be dance or water skiing.

If I were a temperature, I'd be 82.

If I were a holiday, I'd be the 4TH of July.

If I were a criminal, I would not be me.

If I were an animal, I'd be a Lion.

If I were to predict my last living words, I'd say thank you.

If I were a Greek or Roman goddess, I'd be Athena/Minerva.

If I were a toy, I'd be the Badgley Mischka Barbie or crayons.

If I were an emotion, I'd be surprise or amusement.

If I were an American decade of the past, I'd be the 1920s.

If I were a period in time, I'd be Hellenistic Greece.

If I were able to have a superpower, I'd be able to fly.

If I were something in the sky, I'd be a firework.

If I could secure one thing for my future, I'd secure my sight/vision.

If I were a facial expression, I'd be a smile from ear to ear.

If my life was a made into a movie, Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Aniston would play me, and they'd have stunt doubles who could dance.

If my life had a soundtrack, this is what you would hear:

1. Summer Overture, Clint Mansell

2. Shoot the Moon, Norah Jones

3. I'll Be, Edwin McCain

4. Hotel California, Eagles

5. Seven Days in Sunny June, Jamiroquai

6. Beautiful, Moby

7. Colorblind, Counting Crows

8. Wait a Minute, Osborne

9. Crazy Train (Techno Version), Ozzy Osborne & Madonna

10. Can I Walk With You, India Arie

11. Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, Bach, Yo Yo Ma

12. 13.6.35, Belleruche

13. Circus, Britney Spears

14. A Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz

15. Just Push Play, Aerosmith

16. Back in Black, AC/DC

17. Just Dance, Lady GaGa & Colby O'Donis

Where I've Stood. Where I stand.

I have made mistakes, gotten my hands dirty, bloodied my knees, and paid a ticket for a left turn in a straight lane. Yet, I'm all the better for it because I learn. I avoid making the same mistake. I'm smarter for it. I will get my hands dirty, but I'll file my nails down first. And as for those darned old bloody knees, I just need to strut more carefully on ice while sporting stilettos, especially when debuting new jeans. About that ticket, it's been my only ticket since I was 16, and I still turn left when I'm not supposed to. It feels good to be a little rebellious. And I will continue to make new mistakes.

Physically, I've put my footprint all over the globe, from Asia, Australia, and Europe to St. Thomas, St. Lucia and Aruba (inconclusive list). I've also been imprinted. My passport is my most prized possession. It is my gateway to experience. Though I don't discount the opportunity for experience in my backyard (don't really have one right now), being a foreigner allows me realize entirely new perspectives. To cause a child to cry by lifting my sunglasses and revealing blue eyes makes my world so much bigger. To be drugged in a club and rescued by friends makes my world so much scarier. To speak Spanish to a Brazilian to speak Portuguese to an Italian while standing in a place where the Roman language was created makes my world so much fancier. I've got a pin in a map for every place I've been and lived. I want to explore so many more places that the paper becomes too obscure.

Emotionally, I've explored many foreign territories as well, some places I wanted to go, and some places I'm just better for having gone through. Taking all experiences in stride requires a good mixture of catch steps, leaps and some falls. I find betrayal the most painful, learning to embrace its paradox (the fortunate in misfortune) the most difficult, and relief that a firm determination is the most consistent. I'm a lover not a hater, so when someone pre-judges my absentminded smile as plastic, my solid ambition as conceited, or my open to anything attitude as reckless, I get sad. I always wish the best for everyone.

Perfect Paradox

A perfect paradox is a contradiction in and of itself. I find them endlessly interesting and intriguing. I enjoy their raw nature. I am inspired by a paradox's innate ability to evoke the aggression of thought, between two people or one's soul, consistently. Without conflict, there would be no knowledge of peace. Without fear, no sense of security. Without pain, no pride. A perfect paradox.