A mutually altruistic feeling in a relationship apparently is far and few, at least in my experience. One of my teachers posted this the other day: "You are only a priority to yourself." He's generally a little cynical or pessimistic, but it appears that he's right on point.
I believe with all of my heart that closing it off will not get me anywhere I want to be. It may protect me from being used by a boy who thinks I'm pretty, but has no intention of anything besides trying to take a piece of that "beauty". I think so much of my beauty comes from my unrelenting attempts to stay open and accepting. It hurts when accepting someone openly winds up feeling so false on the other end. I've had one, only one, relationship where I felt completely respected and appreciated for being who I am, regardless of the package I come in. Only one.
Our time together was very short but it was full. We talked for hours about everything. It was a totally altruistic relationship. I really appreciated him for who he was, though he was a man who was still torn up by his past. The difference here, with him versus every other guy I've dated, is that he respected me. He respected me enough to be up front, honest and timely in feeling and sharing his feelings with me. He stood up to his sword, vulnerable to me. My upset only existed in the lost ability to know him more. I believe his words and his decision for not seeing me (that way) anymore. I completely understand him, support him and wish him all the luck. I know he deserves whatever he wants. He stands vulnerable and I shielded him instead of attacked.
Though short and probably not as eye-opening to him as it was for me (since he went back to try for his ex), it represents a pivotal experience I will never forget. I told him that he reset my standards for the man I want to be with. What I should have said was that he was my standards, realized . . . standards realized for the first time. I am forever grateful for the respect he showed me, proving the existence of a man with equal openness, who also presented all of the qualities I search for. He let me be a hopeful romantic, instead of a hopeless one.
I will keep standing, baring my soul, hiding behind nothing, in hopes of finding another person who will stand right there with me, baring his soul and hiding behind nothing as well. In the name of love, I am the Nightingale. I bleed for hope in happiness and love.
(Read Oscar Wilde's short story, "The Nightingale and the Rose" if that reference leaves you confused.)
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